I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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