Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
