so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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