Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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