i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
