Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
