true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
