When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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