Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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