There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
