I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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