I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
