im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
