i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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