...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
