I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Bring me that man meat
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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