bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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