So drunk its hurt
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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