should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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