I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
