I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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