How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
