Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
