Got a toothbrush?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Randomize
