I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
