she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
