Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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