So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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