dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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