I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
