Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
