Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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