I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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