I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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