Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
