Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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