How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
