my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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