some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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