She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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