'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Green mimosas i think yes
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
