Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
