forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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