They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
