I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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