I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
