Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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