Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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