I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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