Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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